REFLECT... КУАДУСЕШЩТ # 33 ::: ОГЛАВЛЕНИЕ
aвтор визуальной работы - ("Day 3") – Rina Kliot
after the New Year of 2002 one of my friends - Irina - told me that she has a breast cancer and already had an operation and now is going for chemotherapy. And here I told her that I too have lump in my breast. This was the first time when I realised it myself. I never consciously noticed the lump, never paid attention to it, may be because I had them before and they were benign. But my subconscious noticed it and knew that something is not right. By that time my lump was quite big already. My friend who is a medical doctor by profession told me to go to GP and have the lump checked in breast clinic. And I went. It took me some time as at first I waited for my son’s holiday to finish then for GP’s holidays and finally I had an appointment and saw my GP.
My GP, Dr.Bradford, was not impressed. He said that it was just a blocked duct and my tiredness is due to depression. And this after 4 years of complaining for extreme tiredness and after I read in newspaper that now doctors should not say to their patients who complain for fatigue that it is due to depression but they should do some tests or be sent to fatigue clinic, because diagnosis of ME is now absolutely official. But, seemingly, this particular doctor was not good in diagnoses. When my late husband came to him with complain for a strong chest pain he told him that he has a flu and did not even send him for an X-ray. At that time one of my husband’s lung was completely filled with blood. And it took him a trip to Canada and a clinical death to be diagnosed with cancer. Anyway, Dr.Bradford send my papers to a breast clinic in slow mode. As I I was told there are two type of sending documents to hospital. One with mark “urgent” another without it. And that meant for me two more weeks of waiting for an appointment in the hospital.
I did not much believed in Dr. Bradford’s opinion and I started to take some precautions. I called to Coby Zvikler and he gave me commands which I could use while working on my lump with my EM-Power disc. And at first commands started to work. Lump become smaller and I was exited. I even got much more energy then I had for a long time. Then it stopped reducing and I found another lump under my armpit. I was told that my lymphatic system is not in good condition a long time ago, when I first went to Body Mind and Spirit festival in 1998. And, as usual for most of us, I did not pay attention. Did not have time, did not know what to do etc. But lymphatic system is one of the main systems in the body to fight infections and things like cancer. And having another lump under armpit ment that cancer stuck there. It could not be removed by body’s natural defence systems. I started fasting.
Very long time ago I read a book by Russian doctor Y.S.Nicolayev who had a clinic for fasting in Moscow. In it he described very thoroughly what happens when person is fasting and on what day. I did not remember exactly the timing but remembered that the body when it does not have food from outside eats parts of it self which are not absolutely necessary for existence. And first of all fat and tumours. So, I started to fast and basically felt good but was quite weak, which was just natural. But because I had to take care of my son, who was 5y.o. at that time, I was afraid to fast more then 10 days even though I new that it is not enough. There are stages in fasting when body changes it’s functioning and 10 days is one of them. But only after 21st day the serious work begins. I thought that if I am unable to fast more then I, at least, cleanse the body and maybe lymphatic system. I did not know at that time that I need longer fasting to cleanse it. Anyway, I fasted for 10 days alone with a child to take care of and felt quite good about it. When 10 days finished I felt that I do not want to stop fasting, but I was afraid and I stopped it. When I started to eat with all precaution possible, I started to feel worse. My body definitely did not want to eat.
I started to look for a substitute for fasting. And found a book called “Liver Detox Plan” by Xandria Williams. It is very thorough and detailed book which not only explain how and what liver does in our body but gives very detailed plan to help it become healthier. It also gives you a different options and you can choose which one is more suitbl for you. So, I started this detox which included diet, herbs and some supplements. After finishing 6 weeks course I did a liver flash which ment to stimulate production of bile and elimination of bile stones. I felt a little bit better, but I did not feel that feeling of a new and fresh life as I felt when I did this liver flush long time ago back in Russia. Actually I had symptoms of liver problems for a very long time. I just did not know that they were symptoms of liver problems. And I think that by the time when I started to work on my liver it was so suppressed that I needed something much stronger to cleanse it.
Meanwhile, on the 28th of February I had my first appointment in the Breast Clinic in St Thomas’ Hospital. After waiting for several hours I was send to do mammogram. Dr.Reedy who was to do u-sound scan and give the conclusion on all the imaging told me that my breast is too big and I will need another mammogram, but today was too late already and she will send me a letter with a date of another appointment. After that I saw Mr.Young the surgeon. He took fine needle biopsy for the breast lump and told me that it looks absolutely harmless and he will be in touch. I have not heard from them for more then a month.
I had another scan on April,8. This time Dr. Reede who already worked in Guy’s Hospital made all the scans but she thought that the biopsy of two lumps I had under my armpit is absolutely unnecessary because the fine needle biopsy from the main lump was normal. I actually pushed her to do it. Her main objction was that it will take 12 more minutes and we do not have enough time till the end of her work. But finally she performed cork biopsy for two lumps under my armpit and told me to come to the clinic in ten days time.
With every doctor telling me that everything looks fine and harmless why would you say I pushed them too hard? I should have been satisfied and run away from the hospital as quickly as I can. But, as I told you before, I worked with EM-Power disc for some while. The nature of it to make a connection to persons Higher Self. And after that you can give commands to it or you can ask questions in a range of “yes “ or “no” answers. The problem is that when I just noticed the lump and started all this ordeal, I asked a question to my Higher Self if it is a cancer. And it said “yes”. I am not an easy believer and I always have some doubts, but I definitely wanted to check it carefully.
And, finally, after 10 days on April,18th I had the next appointment in Breast Clinic in St. Thomas’. After the usual waiting for several hours ( now I think that they leave the bad cases for the end of the day) I was invited to see the doctor. Mr Young was not there and some other doctor with a funeral expression on his face ( which he probably thought is appropriate for the news) told me that they have a problem with my test - it is cancer. The only thought I had at that moment was that it is not they who have a problem, but it is me who have a problem. Then doctor quietly suggested me to have a surgery where I should have just a lumpectomy and very small indeed. After that he disappeared asking me to wait in the reception.
And only there, when I waited in an empty reception for something I did not know what, the news finally hit me. The feeling was very complicated. the first thing, of course, a deep cold terror.It is like being in an open space with no support. It is like endlessly falling down with no land to crash on. But at the same time I was glad and exited.
Now, how someone who was just told that he or she has a cancer could be exited? This is strange at the very least. But I had a history. The first thing is that I wanted to die since I was a child of 8. And, when I was a child, I do remember thinking that I am too old and saw everything in life and it is extremely boring and I would like to die. Only when I was 25y.o. and just baptised in Orthodox Christianity that I started to think that I know nothing and did not see anything in life and it is very exiting to see a new world around me. Again, when I just stopped breastfeeding my son and developed some breast lumps and was told that it might be cancer I was glad. I thought that my husband, who was supposed to be healthy at that time, will take care of our child and I will have a rest from this life in the ocean of oblivion. But everything happened in just opposite pattern - he has got out of the game and I was left alone to take care of my son. To be honest, my son was the only reason that I did not kill myself at the time of my husband’s death.
The other reason for my excitement was the fact that when my husband was dying I felt that there is some way for him to get better and healthy and we just need to find it. Well, now was my chance to do it. I also had now something real to fight with not just tiredness and depression which my doctor could not identify and I could not live with as a normal person. And I really am a fighter. I like the excitement of a battle. I just did not expect that to be that long. I also thought that whatever happened I would not lead the same life anymore. If I lose and die I will have a rest. If I will win and get healthy again I will be a different person as I definitely have to change to make my life desirable and worth living. I just knew that I have to find and resolve something in me that did not let me to be happy for all my life. And I have only this time now. I can not wait any longer. Either I will get rid of it and be happy or I will die and have a rest which I wanted for so long time. I will be happy with any outcome.
The problem was that when I have imagined myself dead and coming to the other side I felt that I still did not do something I should have done in this life. And this has frightened me because I will have to come to the same life again and to go through all this suffering once again. I understood that I definitely have to resolve any issues I have to resolve and have any lesson I came to learn in this life before I go.
Now, one and a half year later I still did not find the core issue of my cancer even though I found and worked on a lot of staff which was stopping me from being happy. In a way I am much better now then I was before, but I am much less enthusiastic about my prospects. I think that it is probably just time for me to go. And by now I have probably cleared up most of the things I have come to this life for. The only thing which I have not done in this life is being happy. And this is not something one can get on demand. The only thing which stays between me and my death is reluctance to leave my son in such a young age.
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