REFLECT... КУАДУСЕШЩТ # 33 ::: ОГЛАВЛЕНИЕ
aвтор визуальной работы - ("First Impression") – Рина Клиот
What people who just have been told that they have cancer do? They mostly jump to the train of surgery-chemotherapy-radiotherapy as fast as they can as we always were told that results of cancer treatment depends on how soon we deal with cancer by means of conventional medicine. But I did not want to have any of these procedures. Basically, I did not know where to start and needed some time to reflect on and find an information I needed. But my friend Irina who, being a medical doctor, had a completely different view on the subject and being used to make decisions for her patients and her family decided to help me to have a better treatment in the hospital where she worked and where she had treatment for a breast cancer herself. She went with me to my GP made him to write a letter of referral to Middlesex Hospital and spoke to the hospital staff to give me an appointment as son as possible.
And what did I do? The cold horror of that time is still hits me sometime. I felt absolutely isolated from all people. Wherever I went I saw people around me who were alive. Only I was dying. Death separates you from life.
Meanwhile I started to look to what other means I have to make me feel better. I started with things I already new and believed in. I made an appointment to see a chinese herbalist and a western herbalist and called to my previous psychotherapist who by that time left NHS service and should be called at home. I also went to a book store while walking along the Embankment with Elijah- my son- who wanted to ride on his new scooter (which obviously made him feel as proud as any man who has a new convertible) to look up some books on cancer. All books on the subject looked absolutely uncomrehensible and all the same. A girl working in the store suggested me the new book they just received. That was “Living Proof” by Mikhael Gerin-Touch which become very famous in nearest future. So, I bought this one and the one on breast cancer. My reaction on them was completely different. The one on breast cancer which explained all procedures and variations of treatments for my illness was frightening and very annoying. The “Living Proof” gave me hope and space for some freedom. I could not comprehend all the medical part of the book, but it did not bother me as soon as it gave me a proof that there are other ways of treating cancer then conventional medicine only. I was very disappointed at the end though as it seems that the were no happy ending of complete recovery which I expected and wished for myself but but just life for a much longer period that was anticipated for the author by medical profession.
One and a half year later I find it a great achievement and an inspiration for all cancer patients. His quiet resistance to the influence of the common opinion and the courage of listening to his intuition is very amazing. And even though the way of healing I have chosen is different ( and I think every cancer patient should have a way of his or her own) I am very grateful to him for the example he gave me.
There were friends and relatives of course who I spoke to about my hope to find an alternative way of curing the disease. All of them were very negative and frightened. Many (especially my relatives) saying that I am absolutely irresponsible in regard of my little son. They did not know that he was actually the reason for me still carrying on living for all these last years. And now I needed a reason to live for myself. My son was old enough to understand. It was my priest - Father Alexander - who was the first person to support my decision. He told me that I should follow my intuition and do what I feel I should do. And my son will respect and understand it if he will feel that I am happy doing what I want.
I bought a book on detox and found there an explanation about coffee enema. And later I read in the ”Living Proof” about Gerson’s therapy and Jan de Vries who was exactly the same western herbalist I was going to see in couple of weeks. I was really exited as I felt that I am on the right track. So I started to do coffee enemas but as I did not know the fact that people on Gerson’s therapy do it five times a day, I did it much less that it was necessary.
Now, when I know the quantity of coffee enemas the other cancer patients have, I still can not do it more often then once a day. Is it because of my inner sabotage? Or, just because I still do not want to believe that I am really ill? I do not know. In fact it is an attitude many people have when they refuse to quit smoking while having some lung disease or refuse to quit sweets having a diabet. They say that life where they can not do what they want is not worth living. It looks like we need our illnesses, we hold on to them and they become something that define us as an individual. Who I was before? Just a normal average woman. Nothing special. Now I am the one who has cancer and therefore an oreol of tragedy and martyrdom. It looks strange that we give much more respect and attention to illness then we do to health. That reversed attention starts when we are children. Ask any mother if she wants her child to be ill and she definitely will say “No”. But when child has her whole attention and love? When he or she is ill. And in some cases this is an only time when the child have an undivided attention or any attention at all. The same happens with women in many families, when women so used to be caregivers so they feel that they have right to demand attention and love only while they are ill. We are, actually, a society which glorify illness.
Returning to my first days of rightfully diagnosed disease - my first moves were, as I said, the therapies which I new before - herbalists, accupancturist, macrobiotic diet, Bristol Cancer Help Centre. At the same time I spent hours on Internet trying to find any information I can use for myself. At first all the information was overwhelming. Just too much to handle. Especially, when you are agitated and frightened. What interesting is that there were nothing on what I actually wanted to find - emotional and spiritual reasons for cancer and the way to work with it. All the information was on diet, supplements, drags etc. The closest it came to what I actually was looking for was meditations.
My idea was that cancer is my own cells which went rebellious because they so not like something and want to tell me that. I actually wanted to know what they are telling me. I would have compared them with young people who are rebellious because they think that society is not fair or right for them. If yours child is rebellious you do not cut him or her from the family. You speak to them and try to understand them and find a way of making a peace. And I did try to speak to my tumours. The reaction was very unexpected - they started to cry and told that they did not mean wrong, it just happened that things went out of hands and much more difficult then they intended. But they did not tell me the reason of their manifestation.
You should understand that I am not a nut case. There are many techniques now in hypnotherapy, psychotherapy and NLP which give you a way of communicating to different part of your mind or body. And many people did it before me and and I am not the person who invented this crazy way of getting information from your subconscious. I will speak about it through whole story as for me this is continuous work and practice which I find not only fascinating but very useful as well.
I made an appointment to see the psychotherapist who I was seeing for a year before I was diagnosed and when I saw her, she told me that she had cancer herself. A different kind of cancer but none the less - cancer, indeed. In her case she went for operation. She changed her home and place of work and was sure that she is absolutely free from cancer. My attitude as I felt was not pleasant to her. So, I had one sessions and never saw her again. In this session, trying to get information from my illness I have got to one of my past lives which had a very strong impact on my present life. While working with past life regressions before and after this session I came to this life very often. I knocked to this life from different angles and in connection to different problems of mine and, little by little, I knew this life very well. There I was a roman legioner whose lover died when he was away and he, firstly, killed a lot of people in anguish of his grief and, secondary, decided that he was responsible for her death and had a wow that he will never be happy again because he is not worth it. The pain of his loss and his loneliness were absolutely tremendous. And also gilt and remorse. Feeling regret of killing so many people and being absolutely alone as a result of his actions. It was very difficult for me to make him to go to people. But finally he took his armour away and went to a village. He married some girl but was not happy and did not feel love until his child was born. And only with the birth of this child that the feeling of love returned to him.
I do not want to push you or even me myself into believing in existence of past lives. But, first of all, if I would have invented my past lives I would make them much more pleasant indeed. The stories which I see are definitely unexpected for me and sometimes are absolutely shocking. Secondary, I decided that even if those stories just produced by my brain (and there is nor proof that it really was happening to me 2000 years ago) it would be better for me if I make them more pleasant. But, as I felt, it was a too long shot. I needed something more direct and efficient. And I was feeling that I should find it.
Meanwhile, I had appointment with my first chinese herbalist - Anna Maria. She was very nice and seemed very experienced but she repeated that she does not give me any guaranties so many times that I decided that I should find someone who will believe in they method and will be more in tune with my goal - to heal cancer with alternative methods. I should say that I still did not find any doctor who I can rely on and be a team with. As all the books on healing the cancer say the one of most important things is to find a doctor who you believe in and have a good support team from your friends and relatives. I did not have that luck. Even though I definitely have help from relatives and friends and from different doctors and practitioners, I do not have anyone whose views are in any agreement with mine. It is may be my biggest problem but may be just something which describes me as a person - I do not believe in anything or anyone very easily. And in a time of such danger I need to listen to myself even sometimes it does not look logical or good even to myself.
In regard to help, I called to my brother and told him about my diagnosis and I called to my friend who lives in Israel asking her to come to stay for a couple of weeks. I was very confused at these first months (later as well), very tired and very angry. I needed to concentrate on the information and choices I should make and could not cope with all the responsibilities and pressures of the single mother. My poor child suffered without even knowledge of what is going on. I was afraid to tell him as I did not want to make him frightened. He already lost his father to cancer and I did not want him to be afraid of losing me. A year later,when he already knew about my illness, he asked me if I can die from it. I said that I can but I am doing everything I can not to. And here he told something very fanny: “Of course, little boys do not live by themself. May be when I will grow up and will be forty or something”. Interesting, that during first week after my diagnosis he suddenly remembered that bird flew into my room exactly a year ago. In Russia that means death in the family. The other day he has broken my mirror which is another sign of death in the house. I was terrified.
Now, looking back at this time, I think about how multi layered our life is. Even reading a diary makes my head spin. How actually I could live through that? How often do we have periods like that in our life when we have to make thousands of decisions in areas which we do not have any knowledge about and where every decision can be fatal?
Now, I am not sure that I made right choices all the time. But that what we do - we learn on our way. Do we really? I can not say that I have become much wiser. And, actually, when we make our choice it is not only our mind which is taking part in it. All our reactions and responses, all our censes, basically, all our body and memories of the body take part in our decisions without our knowledge. When I felt that I did not want to have conventional treatment what part of me did not want it? Was it my wish to die which pushed me to make decisions which should bring me to death, or my intuition and survival instinct which wanted to save me from abusing my body to the point where it can not recover, was it fear of having bad side effects, or pride which could not bear to be a victim and show weak and unhappy side of me to the world? And was the part of me which wanted to have an operation and all the other conventional stuff just part of conformist in me or was it voice of my upbringing? Was this part right and I should have done everything that I was told is good for me by every person which I spoke to except Qi Gong practitioners? Or was it just inertia of going with the flow and being a good girl and not having any conflicts with my relatives? I do not think I will ever know. By making any decisions we take a risk. And basically this is what life is about - making decisions. Considering that, I was living most intensive time of my life. In a way, I was more alive then ever.
2006-01-18 06:49 pm
Я тоже вернулась!
Прочитала твою "исповедь". Знаешь, я под большим впечатлением и с огромным уважением к твоему мужеству, уму и таланту. Это потрясающий портрет неординарной, смелой и самоотверженной женщины!
Многие вещи понимала и раньше, но читая, воспринимаешь чувством и это сопереживание - сильнее понимания.
2006-01-18 07:05 pm
Спасибо, Лиля. Я сейчас начала дописывать эту историю и поняла, что два года назад, когда я начала и вскоре остановилась, я не могла написать то, что я могу написать сейчас.
Рада, что ты вернулась. Как поездка?
2006-01-19 02:03 pm
Поездка ничего, но очень устала.
После этого отдыха нужен отдых.
Поняля, что к отпуску надо относится серьезно, иначе проблем больше, чем пользы,а тут куча работы навалилась. Т.ч. сразу включилась и пыхчу.
следующая The Legacy-4
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